Depression: Our journey to happiness

    Caution: May be slightly triggering. But i promise, i will get past all the cons and move on to the pros, i just want to first, use the following quote in order to try to illustrate depression for those who are not familiar with it's grip.
    "Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You believe you've become pathetic. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you've never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.

It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you've never had it doesn't make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged." - Unknown

      Depression is not laziness, not an excuse, nor a choice. Depression is not a connotation for sad nor is it a synonym for having a bad day, a bad week even. Depression is something you must fight every day, It does not last a day, in most cases, it lasts years and tries to swallow you whole in it's darkness. Depression shuts off all your lights and makes you run aimlessly through the seemingly never ending night then walk, still heaving, and then crawl and then just lay there until you one day, the lights start to flicker and for a second, you regain hope. Depression is a battle THAT YOU WILL WIN.

To those of you currently battling depression:

Hello my fellow warriors,
   There are certain things i know you will hear all the time: "It will get better" "This too shall pass" "There is light at the end of the tunnel" and these statements are true, but many times, what you aren't told, is, yes, i PROMISE, In time, happiness will find its way back to you, but, It won't be easy, you cannot expect it to be, but it WILL be worth it. Please, be patient. When you get out of this, happiness will be like gold to you, it will be even more enjoyable than before, You were given this fight because YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH to defeat the darkness. Please, do not give up on yourself, I am rooting for you. I know the people around you may not understand, you may be called lazy, you may be called angry, bitter, asked why all you wear is sweatpants or why you hide under so much make up; why you spend so much time in your room, in the dark and told to "get over it"' asked why you "can't take a joke" or why you never smile.... Forgive these people, for they truly do not know. No one can truly understand how you feel unless they have been there themselves, which is why it may get lonely sometimes, but i promise you, you are not alone. I've been there, and i've gotten out and i promise, if i can, you can too. In those 5 years I was fighting, I lost a lot of people I thought would stick with me forever, but then realized, some of those people were only holding me down further. I've been to the lowest of lows and still managed to float back to the surface. When you hit rock bottom, there is no where else to go but up, It's cliche but ever so true. I always held everything in, not wanting to burden anyone with my problems, which was a poor choice, because then eventually, the pressure would build up and i would explode. The thing is, i never really had anyone i felt comfortable talking to, because i knew they wouldn't understand which would make me feel even more distant from the rest of the world... "abnormal" i guess. Or the few times i would try to reach out for help and my hand would get slapped away, so i just stopped asking.  

    It's not that i didn't want help, it's that i didn't know the right place to find it. And this is why I am here, I am here to give you a place to run to when you feel like you can no longer go on. I am here here to share parts of my story in order to let you know that I DO understand and i want nothing more than to be there for you, whether it's for advice or just to have someone who will listen. This does not need to end in any way but you finding happiness and i am here to help lead you to it. I know what it feels like to have seemingly absolutely nothing to look forward to but, I found the strength to hold on and get out. I had that strength all along I'm here to help you discover yours faster than I did. There is so much to look forward to, when you get out of all this, you will emerge from the darkness, a thousand and one times stronger than ever before, your perception of the world will transform and everything seems so much more beautiful. In a way, I guess i can call this my twisted blessing, because without everything i went through, I would not be the person i am today. I would not see things the way I do now and I would not value certain things as much as I do now. I PROMISE YOU, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, IF YOU KEEP FIGHTING, YOU WILL COME OUT OF THIS VICTORIOUS. Force yourself to get out to bed and break habits, depression wants you to lay in the darkness all day, do not feed it, do not give it power over you. Fight and when it tries to fight back, fight harder. You are stronger than these thoughts, you are stronger than these feelings, you are stronger than the blade and the self harm, you are stronger than your scars. You are stronger than everything trying to keep you down; throw them out of your way. Delete all those mourn-worthy songs on your phone and get leave the people who are bringing negativity into your life, behind. Many times I found myself doing a much needed "friend cleanse". Surround yourself with people who love you and not only want to see you happy but are willing to help you get there. Run (exercise is proven to increase the chemical in your brain which makes you happy) listen to uplifting music, engulf yourself in positivity. You will get through this, and you don't need to do it alone, You can always reach me at my email ( asknathia@gmail.com) my ask (http://www.ask.fm/natvice) or my twitter (http://www.twitter.com/NathiaWray) or you can get further guidance by calling one of the numbers located in the following link http://natvice.tumblr.com/suicidehotlines .
Hold on my souldiers, this battle is not over until you have won.
To those of you in recovery:

To my fellow champions, 
CONGRATULATIONS, you've made it!
    There will be days when familiar feelings emerge and that may become scary, but i promise you, keep fighting and ignoring those feelings, they won't trouble you for long. Sometimes, in recovery, you are constantly worried, waiting for sadness to emerge once again, waiting for something bad to happen because that is the same old routine you're used to, that nothing good can come your way without 5 bad things to follow, but I promise, it's okay, the darkness over. Enjoy this newfangled happiness, don't spend your time worrying when it will end, you've earned this. Recovery is the time when you rebuild your village after the war. yes, there will be some days that are better than others, but remember all that you've fought off and how far you've come, you absolutely cannot turn back now. Expect those familiar past feeling to try and creep up on you, they will try but don't let them succeed. Sometimes, there is a twisted sense of comfort in those feelings because, that's what you're used to and change can be frightening but, don't fall for it, there is no glamour in sadness. You are new and the strongest you have ever been, nothing can bring you down as long as you learn how to remember where you came from without going back there. When life tries to throw a curveball at you, remember all the bullets you've dodged and wounds you've healed, how hard you've fought and how far you've come. Of course things aren't always going to be peaches and cream, but that's life, things happen, it's your job to determine how you react and how you let it affect you. Don't ever, for a second think you don't deserve the happiness coming your way, and yes, there is even more to come than you have right now. Build a positive community, build a support system, with a handful of genuine people who have made it out of the dark as well.  Surround yourself with positivity, stay in the light and know your limitations. Remember it's okay to let go. Live every day one day at a time and don't think too far ahead, that'll only stress you out. And most of all, BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. I sure am proud of you

To those of you who have never experienced depression:

How to help
    One thing that irks me is when people use "depressed" "anxiety attack" or "panic attack" as a synonym for "bad day" "startled" and or "stressed". Those are not the same thing, and people tend to take others less seriously when they reach out for help because of that, they are just seen as over-exaggerating. 

1.  Do not mock/dumb down the pain of others. Also, be considerate of others feelings, no matter if they show signs of depression or not. You never know what someone is going through. I was the queen of a fake smile, to this day, nobody really knows what went on in my head. Following things up with "I'm just kidding", doesn't soften blows or excuse your statements either. You never know what people are going through, treat everyone with delicacy.

2. They are still people. They just handle things differently than you: Just because you don't understand something, does not mean it is abnormal. Don't talk to someone with depression as if they are inhuman or pitiful, that will only push them farther away and make them feel even more alone. Depression is not a choice and those with it, should not be exiled for it, they should be brought closer. 

3. However, sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is to leave them alone. This all depends on the person, the circumstances and the extent of time. I know personally, I need a break from people. I cherish my alone time every day, it gives me a chance to just stop and relax. Give them the advice, love and support that you can, and then let them have time to breathe and soak it all in. After, check up on them, daily. Send a text just to let them know you were thinking about them, ask them how their day is going and how they're feeling, let them know you are always here for them whenever they need it.

4. Some people just need a listening ear: You may not understand what that person is going through, however, if they reach out to you, sometimes they just want someone who will listen. Some people, just need you there. Don't ever make them feel like a burden, then they will just stop coming to you all together. Be there for them as much as you can and reassure them that you WANT to help them, not that you're doing it out of pity. If you think the situation is too much for you to handle, do not take in on all by yourself, If it gets too serious, then yes, tell someone WHO YOU BOTH CAN TRUST to help intervene (EX: if say, one of their triggers for depression is their life at home, i definitely would not suggest going to their parents, but another trusted adult, pastor and or counselor instead. They may (Will) be upset with you, but you're doing it because you care for them). Do not ever feel like this persons life is your responsibility, as much as you would like to help, there is truly only so much you can do, which is give them your love and support. Depression is a battle of the mind.

Signs someone may be depressed:
(These definitely are not all of them and some people may not show any signs at all, but here are some)

- Irritability/always angry 
- Loss of interest in passions 
- Deteriorating hygiene,
- Talking about/ hinting at death a lot, especially placing it in a positive light.
- Lots of time in the dark/always sleeping/insomnia  
- Long sleeves in summer  (Could mean hiding scars)
- Immense weight loss or weight gain in a short period of time

    "The greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
    

Keep fighting, 
- Nathia